Mornin'

Have you ever been at war with yourself.

Not known who this person, thinking these thoughts, is.

Hating the turmoil and unsettledness of your feelings.

Wanting a return to the you you know and are comfortable with.

I live a unified, compartmentalized life.

On the whole, a pretty balanced life.

I like myself.

Know contentedness as a good friend.

Stable for the most part.  As stable as life will allow me to be anyway.

~~~~~

I am a mom living inside and outside of her feelings.  Trying not to take things personally and angsting over every little thing while managing to push aside most of my fears.  Fiercely loving her children and wanting to wrap them in bubble wrap, but knowing it would only suffocate and cripple them.

A wife who isn't complete unless she's totally independently dependent.

A daughter who misses her mom, but is happy her mom is happy where she is.  Thankful for this time in her life with those she loves-so far away from me.  Seasons.

A sister who is a friendly stranger and I'm not comfortable or content with that, but I'm sort of stuck here for now.

~~~~~

A friend who tries.

~~~~~

  Mostly, I know who I am and trust this person I've become.

A unity of personas I live that are separate, but intimately twined in my heart, mind and soul.

~~~~~

This tragedy that has entered the lives of others has rocked the boat of my life.

Questions.

Questions.

Reflections.

Pondering.

Asking.

Listening.

Silence.

~~~~~

A shaking of the head.

A hurting of the heart.

A "spilling of grief".

~~~~~

My heart and head are playing tug of war.  And my soul feels as if it's losing.

I fleshly think one way.

And my spirit pulls away.

I determine to think and feel a way I think and feel are right.

And find myself reconsidering.

Rethinking.

Reexamining feelings because I know, for the most part, they can't be relied on.

~~~~~

Scanning the paper for news because I don't want to involve myself with the opinion of others.

Or gossip.

On the outside, looking in.

Helpless.

Unsure.

~~~~~

One minute I'm defending her to myself and others in my head.

And the next, questioning my judgment in friends I choose.

Did I, in not judging, miss something I shouldn't have?

But, she's been nothing but a friend to me.

No unkind words.

No reason not to like her or think anything was out of the ordinary.

Someone I had liked and valued her opinion.

~~~~~

Shaking my head.

And here I am.

Waiting for answers.

A settling of the waters.

A stilling of the heart.

A ceasefire in place.