Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Have you ever been at war with yourself.
Not known who this person, thinking these thoughts, is.
Hating the turmoil and unsettledness of your feelings.
Wanting a return to the you you know and are comfortable with.
I live a unified, compartmentalized life.
On the whole, a pretty balanced life.
I like myself.
Know contentedness as a good friend.
Stable for the most part.  As stable as life will allow me to be anyway.
I am a mom living inside and outside of her feelings.  Trying not to take things personally and angsting over every little thing while managing to push aside most of my fears.  Fiercely loving her children and wanting to wrap them in bubble wrap, but knowing it would only suffocate and cripple them.
A wife who isn't complete unless she's totally independently dependent.
A daughter who misses her mom, but is happy her mom is happy where she is.  Thankful for this time in her life with those she loves-so far away from me.  Seasons.
A sister who is a friendly stranger and I'm not comfortable or content with that, but I'm sort of stuck here for now.
A friend who tries.
  Mostly, I know who I am and trust this person I've become.
A unity of personas I live that are separate, but intimately twined in my heart, mind and soul.
This tragedy that has entered the lives of others has rocked the boat of my life.
A shaking of the head.
A hurting of the heart.
My heart and head are playing tug of war.  And my soul feels as if it's losing.
I fleshly think one way.
And my spirit pulls away.
I determine to think and feel a way I think and feel are right.
And find myself reconsidering.
Reexamining feelings because I know, for the most part, they can't be relied on.
Scanning the paper for news because I don't want to involve myself with the opinion of others.
Or gossip.
On the outside, looking in.
One minute I'm defending her to myself and others in my head.
And the next, questioning my judgment in friends I choose.

Did I, in not judging, miss something I shouldn't have?
But, she's been nothing but a friend to me.
No unkind words.
No reason not to like her or think anything was out of the ordinary.
Someone I had liked and valued her opinion.
Shaking my head.
And here I am.
Waiting for answers.
A settling of the waters.
A stilling of the heart.
A ceasefire in place.


  1. Thinking of you. . .it sounds as if you need a hug. H*U*G*S. Stay positive and forward thinking. Wishing you a happy day. ~Dorrie

  2. Oh, Dee. I should know never to open your blog when I am in a hurry. You are too deep and too poetic. I will have to reread this when I have more time to absorb it. But, I will be thinking and praying about this during my day. You are in a tough situation/position, and it is hard to know what to think or feel.... I wish I could be there, even if all I could do is listen and give you a hug....

  3. You know that I am praying, and will be always. Much love to you.

  4. so sorry that this is causing so much inner conflict for are so eloquent. i will be thinking of you and praying that you come out stronger on the other side of this conflict.

  5. Dee you have such a gift of words whether it be a heart wrenching post or a humourous post. I know you are struggling through this conflict. With that in mind I'm sending you HUGS. I'll be thinking of you throughout the day, remember that, okay?

  6. This is hard. Take care of your self.

  7. Dee, I am thinking of you and sending you good thoughts. This is a difficult time but you will emerge stronger and clearer. Hold fast.

  8. God Bless YOU, Dee,......I have friends in Oklahoma just like you......they accept what they've always seen and known for themselves....when calling a friend a friend.
    That friend couldn't love them more.

  9. Sending hugs and prayers your way Dee.

  10. BIGGEST HUGS to you Dee! I am so sorry that you are stuggling, I know it's not easy, God is making you a stronger woman though, he is using you too and that is a blessing, just hold on to that, God will get you through this rough patch, hugs!

  11. Dee, I know this is a hard time for you right now and especially difficult not having your sewing as a comforting outlet. I too am in a similar boat. But my trials are physical pain and angquish over finances that should have been covered by now and like you, I am not able to sew at the moment. However, all that I live, breath and see around me is God's blessings one after the other as I know you do as well.
    Hang in there sister. In the end, I am totally trusting that God works all things together for good; for those who are called according to His purpose. And you my friend, are truly called. I'm praying for you. (((hugs)))

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